Why I’m Not Apologizing For My Sons Tantrums (and neither should you)

Why I’m Not Apologizing For My Sons Tantrums (and neither should you)

Why I’m Not Apologizing For My Sons Tantrums (and neither should you)

Tantrums are inevitable

If you are a mother, you know this to be true.

You know that sometimes it feels like it’s not even worth leaving the house because of the stares you WILL get when your child is screaming.

You have fought back countless urges to scream at people yourself and instead find yourself apologizing to them.

Like me, you may have even felt at times that, perhaps…something may be wrong with your child.

Your google history is filled with questions like, “Should I be worried about my child’s tantrums,” and you feel guilty with every keystroke.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person in the world whose child has extreme tantrums (and frequently). In those moments I question my role as a mom. I wonder if there was something I could have done differently. In the lowest times I even wonder if there is something I did wrong. Is he unhappy?

I feel like not enough moms are admitting that their kids aren’t perfect.  We live in the age of technology and Facebook and Instagram feeds are filled to the brim with perfect moments, smiling babies, and perfectly clean houses. Do you ever wonder what’s behind the feed? What ever happened to reality? Here is a confession for you: My kid is a monster. I mean he’s not always a monster, but he isn’t this perfect little ball of smiles that does no wrong and sleeps on command. He screams. He really screams; like high pitched, kicking and screaming full blown tantrum. He slaps me. He smashes his head on the floor.

He makes me cry.

When he first started having tantrums, I scoured the internet looking for other moms who felt like they had hit a brick wall. I wanted to hear another mom say, hey, my kid has terrible tantrums and some days I want to jump out of my second story window, but ya know what, I still love him and that’s just a part of who he is. I couldn’t find anything.

I found lots of conflicting science on how to “tame” tantrums, but nothing that said,

Hey you, crying in the corner because your kid is smashing his head against the floor, yea you. It’s going to be ok.

So when I’m shopping in the grocery store with my son and people are giving me dirty looks or tutting at me from a distance, it’s no wonder I feel like I’ve done something wrong. It’s no wonder that in such a huge community of moms it’s so easy to feel so alone.

For awhile, I allowed these thoughts and insecurities to eat me up inside. I spent far too much time asking google whether or not every little behaviour was normal instead of just loving my son. My husband and I spent countless nights lying in bed fearing the worst instead of being thankful for the boisterous, adventurous son God blessed us with.

I can’t sit here and tell you a magical cure for your child’s tantrums. I don’t think there is one. The reality is that every child is different and will respond differently to every “right” way you find on the internet. I certainly haven’t mastered the art of taming tantrums. If I had, I wouldn’t be writing this post. I just wanted you all to know that you aren’t alone. My kid is a nightmare, too. Some days, I literally dread getting up with him because I know how long of a day it might be. That is the reality.

But ya know what? Kids throw tantrums. It’s part of them discovering who they are. It’s part of them developing their personality. They are learning to test limits. They are learning that they have a choice. They are discovering words that we use so frequently; freedom and independence. It’s our responsibility to help them hone in on their emotions and express them in conductive and safe ways, but that takes time, it takes patience, and it takes several bottles of wine. Hey, that’s why they call it the terrible two’s (aka the terrible 16 mos-4’s).

So next time you’re in the grocery store and your kid starts flailing around because who-really-ever-knows-why, carry on. Be consistent. Do whatever it is you do when they have a tantrum at home because you are a good mom and that is your job. Please don’t feel guilty and please don’t apologize. We get it. We’ve all been there whether we want to admit our kid is a brat sometimes or not.

Rock on mamas.

Always,

Alexie

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19 Comments
  • Yes yes yes. I’m so sick of apologizing for my son as well. It is not our fault. Kids are kids. Some kids have tantrums, and some don’t.

  • Loved this and needed to read this very much today! Beautifully said.

  • Patricia says:

    I love this. It can be so stressful simply dealing with our children doing the best we can, let alone feeling like we have to make everyone around us comfortable. I wish that people would extend more grace and remember that children are, well children.

  • Sam says:

    I relate to this entirely! Tantrums have become part of my life…and that’s just the way it is!

  • Belle says:

    I just love this. I hate how some people can be so judgemental when they don’t even know what’s going on! You’re doing great, momma!

    Belle | One Awesome Momma

  • Alina @ Orgali Holistic Nutrition says:

    My son, who is now 7, used to have terrible tantrums. As a first-time mama, I thought that was okay, until I thought it wasn’t :). He was also getting frequent colds, asthma-like symptoms, and eczema on his thighs. He ended up being diagnosed with gluten and dairy sensitivity. Once I removed these from his diet, he became a different boy. My second one, a girl, is the nicest and calmest child on the planet :).

    I also think that some kids are more energetic, more stubborn and more determined to conquer the world early on. Alexie, you might have one of them :).

  • Sheila says:

    Yes! I hate that other moms are so judgmental when they probably went through the same thing! Tantrums are the only way my son can try to express what he is feeling so I shouldn’t have to apologize when he is just trying to communicate and is probably frustrated because he can’t very well yet.

  • Mary Barham says:

    I feel ya sista! My son is EXTREMELY sensitive….. if he’s cookie breaks… he cries and screams. It give me anxiety at times. I have realized that he just doesn’t know how to express his emotions in a healthy way yet. The only thing I have figured out that helps (50% of the time haha) is me asking him, “I know you are upset because you’re cookie broke. I understand.” and I move his attention to something else. You are right though… they are kids. It is going to happen.

  • Shaquita says:

    I think I know that all kids have tantrums, it’s the blaring eyes of other people that gets me especially other moms. I use to just feel so uncomfortable I’d just leave but these days I just death stare at em. I also make a point to give a “I’ve been there” smile to other moms when I see their little ones freaking out. There’s no hood like motherhood.

  • Melissa says:

    Great post! It’s hard enough to deal with the tantrums without worrying about what others are thinking. Tantrums are part of growing up.

  • Kate says:

    Ah I love this. My son is 14 months and starting to embrace the tantrum. He does this thing now where he arches his back and goes into almost a trust fall. Luckily, my husband and I have been close enough to catch him every time!

  • Yes! A woman apologized to a crowd of us at the zoo the other day, and before I had a chance to say anything, another woman said “Don’t worry about it! We’ve all been there!”.

  • Kathryn Minas says:

    This is such an important post. This is a part of many children’s experiences figuring out the world and their emotions. Mom guilt is so real. It’s hard enough caring for your little one, let alone worrying about the feelings of everyone around you. That’s too much of a burden to take on. Your post takes us one step closer to normalizing tantrums, thank you.

  • Susan says:

    What an absolute beautiful and inspiring read. Though I have long pasted the tantrum phase…reading this brought back many memories, emotions and feelings I struggled with. Keep on rockin mama! ❤️

  • Val says:

    I cannot stand when strangers aren’t kind to mom’s whose kids are having a tantrum. We’ve all been there!

  • Morgan says:

    So well said, Alexie! We all have days like this, and it’s important to remember its going to be OK!

    http://www.liliesandlambs.com

  • As a mom of a frequent grocery store tantrum thrower: I salute you and thank you for writing this post.

  • rachel says:

    Yes, yes, YES! I refuse to apologize for my child being a NORMAL toddler! It’s frustrating that more moms aren’t honest. I refuse to be deceitful! #MakeCrazyNormal LOL

  • Heydy says:

    I felt so close to you while reading this post. There has been many times I’ve just given up and gone back home because of the anxiety of it all. I really appreciate you sharing this with us all! You’re not alone 💕

Hi, I'm Alexie Flook

I am a twenty-something year old world-traveler, turned stay at home mom! I live in England with my 7 month old son, beautiful British husband, and neurotic boxer dog! This space is filled with personal thoughts, fun reviews, and down-to-earth chats about my journey through motherhood! Grab a cuppa and enjoy a browse.

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